


Lonely Nights

by darksaber92



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Post TROS, implicit mentions of smut, ish, tiny bit of fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-03
Updated: 2020-04-03
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:22:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23463892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darksaber92/pseuds/darksaber92
Summary: After Kylo's death and the fall of the First Order your life seems far more empty and there seems to be nothing to change it.
Relationships: Ben Solo/Reader, Kylo Ren/Reader, Kylo Ren/You
Kudos: 32





	Lonely Nights

**Author's Note:**

> This is a short "fix it" fic I wrote because I am still sad about Kylo!
> 
> My tumblr: https://supremeleaderkylo.tumblr.com

The sheets are tangled around your legs, the matress feels damp and the cool air makes you shiver. Every night for the past weeks you kept tossing and turning, waking up from nightmares but whenever you reach to the other side of the bed for comfort it is cold and empty. You turn on the lights. The loneliness is not something you'd get used to, you are sure of that.

Tossing the sheets aside you slowly crawl out of bed and make your way to the refresher in dire need of something to drink. You catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror; bed hair aside, you look terrible, giving away the state of your mind. Your face is hauntingly pale, the skin of your lips cracked, the rings under your eyes a deep purple. You take a deep breath, collect some water in your hands to drink and then run your wet hands over your face, the cold water creating goose bumps on it.

_If I don't get off this ship soon I will go crazy_ , you think. _I just want to go home and forget about everything._

You worked for the First Order, you hadn't planned on and yet it happened. Nothing about them or the Resistance was alluring to you. At least until you saw the Supreme Leader of the First Order, back when he was still just a commander, without his mask. That face was convincing enough for you, that and the payment, but those lips and that hair gave you the sudden urge to work for the First Order and not only did you end up on the Finalizer, you actually managed to end up in Kylo Ren's bed.

But the First Order has fallen and with it your lover, if you even want to call him that. You certainly loved him and still do but you were never able to figure out if the feeling was mutual or if his love was only for your body.

The faucet squeaks as you turn it off, with one last look into the mirror you shuffle back into the bed chamber and stop dead in your tracks. By the side of your bed you make out a figure. Not quite tangible but still clearly visible, like some form of energy that took the form of a person.

_Or a ghost._ You immediately rebuke yourself for that thought.

"Kylo?" 

You would recognize his frame anywhere. Many times your mind has played you tricks ever since Kylo died but usually those tricks involve him being next to you in bed, holding you and especially being more... real. Not like this. 

The figure turns towards you, his face now clearly visible, the scar is missing and Kylo looks less exhausted than you have ever seen. A smile plays around his lips, something else you have never seen before. His body seems to illuminate the room.

"You seem uneasy." Hearing his voice sends a shiver down your spine.

You take another step towards him and reach out but your hand grasps at nothing, disappointed you let your fist drop.

"I thought you might want to see me", he continues.

"I'm still dreaming", you mutter to yourself. 

"No, this is real."

"That is impossible, you are dead."

"When I died I became one with the Force, allowing my spirit to..."

"This cannot be real!", you interrupt him.

Pounding your temples with your fist you let yourself fall back onto your bed, hoping to wake up from this. You want him back, you really do but for real. But you don't wake up, there is nothing to wake up from and Kylo is still next to your bed.

"Listen to me", he says, his voice soft and quiet. "This is real, I promise."

"How can it be? You're gone."

"When a Force sensitive person dies in a truly selfless act their spirit becomes one with the Force, giving them, me, the ability to interact with everything that is connected to the Force", Kylo explains.

You huff, the Kylo you knew would never act selfless. Your eyes are trained on the ghost next to you, searching for anything that is giving away that this is still merely a dream. The fear of feeling all of that hurt once more is keeping you from believing the possibility of having Kylo back, even if just in the form of a spirit.

"The rumors are true then?", you finally ask. "You saved that girl?"

Kylo nods and the knot in your chest tightens, making it impossible to breathe. Pain surges through you, numbing every nerve, you feel like you should be crying but you can't.

"Please..." His voice is barely a whisper. "Forgive me."

"Do you love her?"

You didn’t mean to blurt out the question but you have wanted to ask him this ever since she stepped into his life, your life, and his obsession with her grew stronger and stronger in the weeks before his death. Kylo would take you at night and then toss you aside, keeping you around only occasionally but usually he spent most of his time searching for her, even neglected his duties in the First Order. In a way you feel relieved you finally get to ask.

"I thought I did."

Although you knew that answer might come it still hits you hard, a sharp pain shoots through your heart, you close your eyes and inhale slowly, gripping the sheets until your knuckles turn white.

"Please, I need you to understand", he continues. "I finally found someone who knows what it's like to be alone and on your own in almost every aspect in your life. Someone I could truly connect with."

"I was there, I was always there. You were the one shutting me out." It is almost impossible to keep the anger at bay, you tried so hard to be there for him but his defenses were always up, he never even seemed like trying.

"I know you tried but it was different with her."

_Not helping..._

"Rey and I never had a family to go to", he continued. "Her parents gave her away, I could not return to mine. We both had to fight for ourselves for almost all our lives, she was someone who knew what it's like to have these powers, to be special and yet unwanted by those close to you. Not to mention our Force bond, you don't know how easy it is to get attached to someone who really understands you, who can get so close and intimate in a way you have never experienced before. Of course I thought it was love."

"But?"

"I had a few weeks to contemplate everything that has happened and I am starting to believe that it was really just that, an infatuation with the first person who truly knew me. The desire to attach to someone who could be able to truly love me."

"Why have you never told me?"

"I couldn't allow myself to be weak."

"But I love you."

Kylo falls silent, the tension was thick and none of you dare to say a word, staring at each other. You refuse to say anything to make it easier on him.

"No, you don't", he finally says. "You can't."

Jaw clenched, you want to scream at him, want to make him understand but you decide for the better.

"Oh, Kylo..." A deep sigh escapes you.

"Kylo is dead." His voice inhabits the harsh coldness you have been so familiar with.

"And so is Ben."

Giving you his real name, revealing that he has not always been Kylo Ren, was probably the only sensible piece of information he has ever given you, the only moment you were able to glimpse through the cracks of his facade.

"Kylo Ren has died a long time before Ben", Kylo says.

You shake your head. "You of all people should know that Kylo and Ben are two sides of the same coin, you will always be Kylo to me because you chose to be him, nobody else. You are Kylo just as much as you are Ben, Kylo was born out of the pain you endured for ages, a pain that shaped who you are and that is a part of who you are no matter what you call yourself."

Kylo regards you for a moment and then lets his head fall forward, his shoulders heaving. You want to touch him, comfort him but once more your hands grasp at thin air.

"You may be right", he finally says, gaze still towards the floor. "But that doesn't mean that I didn't choose that path for myself in the first place, I was manipulated and made to believe that I killed innocent people, that I could not return to my family. That my own uncle who I trusted, who my parents trusted, who I believed to be a good Jedi and a good man, tried to kill me."

"No, but you were never forced to keep a basin filled with the ashes of your enemies in your chambers, you were never forced to do the things you did to me. That was all you, both Ben and Kylo."

Kylo's eyes flicker to your face and you could swear you heard him gulp before averting his eyes again.

"I may have simply embraced a side of me that was always there, a side that I did not want to embrace, one that my uncle sensed in me, but in order to not be fully lost in this world I had to go along with it. I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy one or the other thing that came with it but in the end I wanted to do the right thing, I wanted to do... good. I suppose that's how I ended up like this, I don't regret it but yes, you are right, I am both Kylo Ren and Ben Solo."

You are certain you have never heard him talk so much, a warm feeling fills you and the urge to touch him, to stroke his hair and be held against his broad chest burns in you.

As if Kylo can still read your mind with ease he embraces you, it does not feel like you remember, not like actually being held against his warm body, instead it feels like being engulfed in that familiar feeling of the Force, something you have experienced almost every night, often in a far less appropriate manner.

"How...?", you ask.

"I am able to draw on your energy to touch you but you cannot touch me just like that, unfortunately."

Not without disappointment you still let the sentiment wash over you, letting this small moment of bliss in and yet your eyes are stinging, you frantically blink the tears away, you don't want him to let go ever again.

"I made mistakes, a lot, I see that now but I won't leave you again, not like this. Remember, even when you don't see me I'm still there", Kylo whispers into your ear.

Trying to nuzzle your face in his chest your head falls forward through him and you cannot believe your ears, a deep chuckle rumbles through the room and seemingly filling your whole body.

For the first time you hear him laugh and for the first time in weeks even you smile.

"I wish you were still real", you whisper.

"I am." 


End file.
